Posted by JC2 | Posted in Emotional Health, Family, Physical Health | Posted on 15-08-2011
Tags: friendship, health, postpartum depression
There have been many times in my life when I mourned the loss of community, but none more critically than after the birth of my son. The network of friends I had established before the baby arrived slowly dropped away as I desperately struggled to keep up with my normal daily activities while unsuccessfully fighting postpartum depression.
Fatigue, sadness and fear left me no energy to seek out new friendships and maintaining the relationships I did have required too much work. Before the birth, I envisioned a loving sisterhood of women surrounding me during the postpartum period, helping me reestablish those essential emotional and physical reserves.
But, what I quickly realized is that our modern society (and technology, in particular) is negatively impacting our interpersonal relationships. Critical research actually showed that, in 2004, Americans had 1/3 fewer friends than they did 20 years ago.
The importance of friendships cannot be overstated, particularly for women.
The health benefits include:
- increased survival rates from serious illness. This link was confirmed by a 2006 study of nearly 3,000 women with breast cancer in which mortality increased by as much as 66% if the patient was socially isolated.
- boost in immune system functioning. Many studies have established a connection between positive social support and T-cell functioning.
- support during stressful times. Most people (71% according to a survey by Mental Health America) rely on their social network of friends and/or family to help them cope in times of crisis.
But forming and maintaining relationships as an adult is difficult. So, why make the effort?
Because there is a clear link between morbidity and social isolation. After a 2010 meta-analysis of the effects of relationships on health, psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad concluded the health risks of social isolation are as great as “smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.”
Here’s how to do it:
- prioritize friendship as you would any critical health issue.
- find people with similar interests… join a gym, start a new hobby or take a class. Do something that puts you in contact with others who share your passion for a specific subject.
- use online social networks responsibly. The concept of “friendship“ is shifting as a result of the internet, but that’s not entirely a negative thing.
- reconnect with old friends, whether by phone, internet or through a handwritten letter.
Although I have few friends, their encouragement (sometimes from hundreds or even thousands of miles away) gives me strength during my darkest hours. I am eternally grateful for the support of my friends and family and believe the power of those relationships will get me through any crisis.
Do you take adult friendships seriously? What sacrifices do you make to maintain the relationships that are important to you? Do you think it is more difficult to make new friends as an adult?
Do I take my friendships seriously – you bet. I’m willing to fly halfway around the world to maintain them – sacrificing lots of extras to make that happen when necessary! There are some trade-offs — my house isn’t as clean as I’d like on occasion, but the hour spent reconnecting with a friend means way more to me than a dust free bookshelf! The laundry may pile up a bit more here and there – or I may sacrifice an hour or two of sleep… the end result is always worth it. I do think it’s tough to find new friends as an adult. I thought it would be easy with kids — just meet other new moms, right? Ha. I’ve found it just the opposite – everyone is so caught up in their own kids and their own ‘drama’ that they don’t want to take the time to sit and meet someone new. There are a few exceptions — and to those folks — it’s a shame we didn’t meet earlier in life, it would have given us that many more years to be friends!!
I’ve actually just booked a girl’s weekend out to California in a couple of months. My college roommate is getting married and I’ve invited a good friend to be my date. She’s taking time away from her husband and kids too — and we’re going to have a delightful 48 hours to relax and enjoy each other’s friendship. The monetary cost is high — and it will require some budget juggling for a month or so, but I absolutely can not wait fo the getaway!!
Good for you! Sounds like you have a great perspective on the importance of friendships!
I have to agree that making friends as an adult is very difficult. It is hard to connect (and coordinate schedules with) other moms. And I have to admit, I am much more comfortable behind my computer keeping in touch with my long-term friends (who live miles away) than putting myself “out there” by trying to make new friends at a playgroup.
This will have to be an ongoing discussion because it is so important to all aspects of margin (emotional and physical health and time… possibly even finances – as you have mentioned).
We’ll see how I do in yet another new town… I don’t have anyone there yet, so it will be starting from ground zero so to speak. Of course, I’ll always have my true friends (all long distance) — but I’ll be curious even of my own path to see if I can connect with other adults in a new environment!
I wish you the best! The children will force you to make connections quickly and even if they are just acquaintances at first, some of them may develop into full-fledged friendships!
Well done.
Well said.
You are needed, liked and loved.
Thank you! My hope is to build a “community” from this that reaches beyond the computer screen. Anything is possible…
[...] desire for true community and frustration that it is not easily accessible (adult friendships are difficult to make and [...]